Communication Tips

Begin by respectfully checking out your perception of distress. Ask something like, "You look (or sound) like something might be bothering you right now. Is that right, or am I misreading you?"
Be ready to accept your partner's response. If she says "no," accept it. Say something like, "O.K., I just wanted to check that out. I guess I was mistaken." Remember, your partner is the undisputed authority on what she is feeling, thinking, wanting, etc. If you want to improve your relationship, it's important to respect that.
If you partner's non-verbal communication is suggesting a state other than what she is reporting, ask her what her non-verbal communication means. Accept, do not argue with, her answer. For example, suppose she tells you she feels fine, while she is standing at rigid attention, her face is bright red, teeth are clinched and hands are balled into fists. You might say something like, "I hear that you feel fine, Hun, but I am still somewhat confused. Can you tell me what it means when you stand at rigid attention with your teeth clinched, hands balled into fists and face all red?" If she repeats her denial of any distress, accept her response and return to your conversation. When, and if, she again gives you non-verbal cues suggesting distress, repeat this step, always accepting that she is the ultimate authority on what is going on inside her head.
If your partner acknowledges that he is distressed, ask him what happened that triggered his distress. If he says he doesn't know, ask him if he is willing to take a guess.
To insure that you heard him correctly, feed back (mirror) to him, in your own words, what you heard him say. Then, ask him if you got it right.
If your partner responds with a yes, go the next step. If he says "no" ask him to please explain the part you misunderstood or left out. Repeat the mirroring process until you get an unqualified "yes" from your partner.
Ask your partner what she was thinking while she was distressed. Does she remember making movies in her head? Saying things to herself? What does she think, now, about her distress? Again use the mirroring process until you get a "yes" response.
Ask your partner if she can identify some of the feelings that were a part of, or associated with, her distress. Use the mirroring process to verify your understanding.
Ask your partner what he wants in this situation, or what might help him feel less distressed. If you get a negative response from him, such as "I want you to stop xyzing," help him convert it into a positive statement such as " I would like you to abc rather than xyz." Use the mirror procedure to verify your understanding.
If you are able and willing to relieve your partner's distress, tell him so and do what is required. If you have some difficulties/concerns about doing what would help him feel better, explain your awareness wheel (thoughts, feelings,wants, etc.) to him. Ask if he is interested in helping you, so you can help him.

By this point, you and your partner should have quite a bit of information about your issues. Often, mutually acceptable solutions will have become obvious. If not, the two of you may want to refer to one or more of the self-help communication / relationship books for negotiation ideas. Remember, there are new books on successful communication strategies coming out all the time, so check out your local bookstore... or consider contacting a professional for a little help. Good Luck!

There are times when one member of a couple may be behaving poorly and not really understand why they are doing so. Understanding a behavior is often an important step in the change process. That's the sort of situation we turn our attention to next.