Relationships in trouble

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Suppose you are interested in creating and maintaining a good relationship. What do you need to do? At a minimum, you will need to know your partner's perceived needs and expectations. You might discover those by referring to the runes, your magic eight ball, or you might even ask. I know that sounds simple enough... but, is it?

Relationships:
Relationships
Going awry
The Right Stuff
Communication

Elsewhere in the library
Introduction
First Aid: Individuals
BluesBusters
Anxiety relief
The Tool Room
Sub-modalities
Parting thoughts

Starting out on the wrong foot. Things can start going wrong even before things start going! Many of us carry in our heads a blueprint or template of our "dream lover." The stronger that fantasy image, the more intensely we want to find our "true" love. Then, when we meet someone who seems to have some of the traits of out secret "dream lover", we fall in love. Unfortunately, we often fall in love with our fantasy rather than the actual person. Over time, as we discover that our lover is not the same as our fantasy, we may wonder why they have changed, or how they could have deceived us about who they really were, so completely. I will grant you that people typically are on their best behavior early on in a relationship, but usually we deceive ourselves far more effectively and completely than our partner. Here are a few clues that you might be headed for trouble:

You are looking for the "one" for you.
You fall in love suddenly, like a ton of bricks.
Your history reveals a pattern of falling in love, becoming disillusioned, falling out of love, leaving the relationship, falling in love, becoming disillusioned, etc.

The girl who married dear old Dad. Remember the line in the song that goes, "I want a girl, just like the girl, who married dear old Dad"? We are very likely to be attracted to people who show the characteristics of our caretakers when we were young. Often this works out fine, sometimes it does not. If our caretakers did not treat us very well, we are quite likely to unconsciously be excited by people who show the same negative characteristics our troublesome caretakers had; it's almost as if we are determined to make that relationship turn out differently. In this sort of case, we need to be wary of those who excite us the most.

Falling in love with an image There are endless variations on this general theme. What they have in common is that we fall in love with our fantasy rather than a real person. Please note that I am not suggesting this is the "wrong" way to go about things. I am saying it is a risky way to go about things. It does have some benefits. Just one look... and Wham! Falling "in love" on first sight can be exciting! And that's fun. Of course, that sort of love (attraction) must be based pretty much on appearance, eh? It also gives you a chance to discover the physical characteristics of your dream lover... something about your hidden template. Of course, there are easier ways...

The lover recipe. You have, in your unconscious, a template for your "perfect love." This template, unbeknownst to you, was etched into your being when you were quite young. It specifies a number of characteristics for your perfect love, including aspects of personality and appearance. Although it typically resides in your unconscious, with a little effort, much of the template is available to consciousness. If you would like to begin to discover what your template is, consider the following questions:

If you have had a number of relationships, what characteristics did most of your previous partners have... particularly the more exciting ones?
What were the more noticeable characteristics of your parents or care-takers when you were growing up? Which were the most troublesome to you?
Do you consciously know what it is that really "turns you on" about other people? That's your unconscious jumping up and down going, " yes! yes! That's it! That's it! I want it! I want it! "

Hendrix, that's Harville not Jimi, has written a number of good books that discuss this topic and have exercises that will help you discover your dream lover imprint.

Relationship malfunction! Relationships get into trouble when they stop meeting most of the needs and expectations of their members. When we discover that we are not being loved in the way we expected, it tends to get our knickers in an uproar. We may then drop subtle hints to our partner, suggesting that they come to their senses and do the right thing by giving us what we want. If they fail to become enlightened by our gentle encouragements, we often resort to more direct measures: the power struggle.

The power struggle can take many different forms. We may, for example, try to get what we want by moping about and looking sad, by arguing forcefully with our partner, or withdrawing our love. Whatever the exact strategy, we are attempting to convince or force our partner to love us in the manner we want. As both partners get really involved in the power struggle, their emotional distance increases until there may be more conflict than confluence. The couple may seem to be fighting about anything and everything. The fights may alternate with times of quiet isolation. To avoid useless fighting, many couples resort to having little or nothing to do with one another. All too often things stabilize at this yucky point, and can continue this way for years... or the relationship can break apart physically, with the couple splitting. Do all power struggles end this way? No. With awareness, motivation, and perhaps outside help, the power struggle can be transformed. A truce can be negotiated, gifts exchanged, and a new alliance formed.

The Right Stuff