Relationships: the magical mystery tour. When we join together and form a relationship, we create something that wasn't there before... like notes coming together to create a song. We don't cease to exist as individuals, but we do become part of something greater, part of a larger system with its own emergent qualities. A dancing team might be a useful relationship model: to succeed, the partners must work together as a team... if either partner missteps, the team suffers.
A prerequisite for improving your relationship is that both you and your partner are willing. Please notice that I said "both"; to succeed, you will be required to do something different. Many client's miss this crucial point at first. It's not just your partner that needs to do things a little differently, it is also you. Given a desire and will to make things better, the necessary process is communication.
Relationships
Going awry
The Right Stuff
Communication
Elsewhere in the libraryIntroduction
First Aid: Individuals
BluesBusters
Anxiety relief
The Tool Room
Sub-modalities
Parting thoughts
Communication
The most common complaint I hear from couples is a lack of communication. There are many reasons communication suffers when a relationship is under duress. For example, a couple may not know how to talk about important, emotional issues. If they end up arguing every time they attempt to talk about an issue, they may soon stop trying. The issues don't go away, of course; like an untreated infection, they only fester and grow worse. If you want to improve your communication skills, and you do, there are many books available to help you do just that. One of the reasons communication is so important is that it allows changing needs and expectations to be known... and that is a fundamental necessity for a long-term, positive relationship. It also provides a mechanism for negotiation and mutual commitment towards meeting shared expectations. Finally, verbal communication is also an important bonding mechanism... particularly for women (see Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand). Besides, what else can you do on those long cold winter-nights?
The Secret Gold Mine
Strong emotions, important beliefs. When you and your partner talk about "trouble spots" in your relationship, one, or both, of you may become upset. Many couples will attempt to ignore the distress and press on with the conversation. That's a mistake. For one thing, ignored distress has a way of escalating into a rumble. Even if it doesn't escalate, it will continue to exert its influence and can easily sabotage your efforts at positive communication. Distress is a valuable clue pointing to the underlying issues in your relationship. When one of you becomes distressed, It's a golden opportunity to go fishing for valuable information that is often hidden from view; don't pass it up.
When one of you becomes upset, immediately make that distress a topic to be explored. First, uncover the remaining components of the over-all psychological structure that includes the distress. What thoughts accompany the distress? For example, what is your partner saying to themselves? What pictures are they making in their head? What is the external sensory information that seems to trigger your partner's distress? What are the feeling components? That is, what kind of distress is being experienced? What does your partner want? What would your partner like to do about the distress? It is vitally important that these questions be initiated with an attitude of curiosity, not criticism. Armed with the answers to these questions and a win-win attitude, you will be in a position to resolve some of the underlying difficulties in your relationship. Often, simply acknowledging and exploring the upset is sufficient to sooth it considerably. It may also reveal some obvious and mutually-acceptable resolutions. Failing that, the two of you can proceed to negotiating a win-win solution that honors both partners' feelings and needs.
Communication tips >>
